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Hi, my name is Russell
Puntenney and I’d probably have to repeat that if this introduction were in person. I
don’t know whether it’s the name or just me that is prone to horrible
misspellings and strange mispronunciations, but I can’t recall a single time
I’ve had to identify myself and things went very smoothly. I can’t imagine
what someone like Ben Roethlisberger or Natalie Imbruglia must have went
through, but it must have been ugly. With that in mind, here’s a few
(hopefully) helpful clarifications:
1. “Russel” is not a name, of
anyone, anywhere, ever.
2. If you want to just skip the
last name entirely, I’m perfectly fine with it. I don’t see too many other
Russell’s around here, do you?
3. There are three syllables in
“Puntenney,” no more and no less. This is how my dad always taught me to
illustrate the correct pronunciation:
Now that we’ve got that settled,
I’m currently 22 years old and I’m from Noblesville, Indiana. Here’s a
sarcastic summary of everything else, with a lot more information than you’d
ever want to know about me I’m sure:
I’ll graduate this August (2006)
from Indiana University Bloomington with a degree in both Journalism and
Philosophy. I’m really going to miss spending a few hours each day listening
to endless, meaningless discussions about whether or not the world around us
really even exists, but I’ll try to manage. It’s also going to be tough now
not having the pleasure of utilizing the wonderful IU bus system anymore,
because nothing gave me more joy than standing huddled up in the freezing cold
waiting for a late bus and being the only one at the entire stop without an
IPod attached to my ear, but those days are unfortunately behind me. Adjusting
won’t be easy, but I’m up to the challenge.
I’ve been writing for as long as I
can remember and am constantly in search of the next opportunity. In third
grade, after completing a few of the first writing assignments of the year, my
teacher seemed very impressed and made an offer I could not refuse: rather
than turning in the majority of the homework for the remainder of the year, I
would do only the major assignments and instead turn in one chapter a week of a
novel I would attempt to write. Another student in the class was given the
same offer as well only to give up after just a few chapters, but I enjoyed
making my classmates jealous too much to start doing all those immature
homework assignments again. Some 26 chapters later, “The Curse of Dracula” is
what they got: a vivid retelling of the classic vampire tale, as I envisioned
it through the pictures in the booklet of my favorite Nintendo game at the
time, Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. My novel got plenty of rave
reviews when I had to read it in front of the entire class, and I really think
I got through to those who weren’t preoccupied with picking their nose or
making outlandish fart noises in the back. Some kids said they loved how the
novel really made you feel like actually being there, looking at the very same
booklet of the same Nintendo game. I’ll never forget how that made me feel.
After that, the book was laminated
and given a bind, and spent several years in the school’s library so that
future generations could experience the same feeling. It was returned to me my
senior year of high school and, in answer to your question, no I am currently
not accepting bids for the item.
Throughout high school I helped in
the televised production of the daily school announcements, spending one
semester as the director and devoting my entire senior year to writing and
producing my own “creative clips.” My favorite of these remains a segment I did
to promote the designation of March as “Better Speech and Hearing Month,” a
month which also included a “Teacher Appreciation Week” at some point. I knew
this only because I was already given a list which included several billion
other groups, races, and good causes that had claimed a portion of the calendar
as their own. Awestruck by such an overpopulated list and pessimistic that
within it I would find “Eat As Much Chocolate Ice Cream As You Can Week” or
some similarly enjoyable topic, I settled for “Better Speech or Hearing” and
ignored my initial idea for a clip about how easy it must be to get a month
designated around here. Instead, I interviewed random people in the hallways,
informing them this was for a segment about “Teacher Appreciation Week,” when
really it was to promote better speech, so I always mumbled completely over the
last word of each question I asked making it sound like total nonsense, like
so: “Well is there any particular teacher in the school that you think displays
the most skoobadoolah?”
This caught plenty of people off
guard because first of all, they were already planning which teacher they
wanted to mention and what to say about them, and second, there was the
pressure of a rolling camera shoved in their faces, so each of their responses
came through an indescribable tone of hesitation and confusion, especially if
they asked me to repeat the mumbled word again, though every single one of them
attempted to answer the question. Then there was the clip about standing up to
bullies, when a star football player tackled me in the hallway and threw me
into an empty trash can, and of course the one about the lone senior that
showed up for class on “Senior Skip Day.” When I graduated in 2002, I was voted
the “Most Opinionated” of my class and I took that to mean I had been involved
in far too many stupid, pointless arguments with far too many people.
Since then, I’ve written for
several publications, in many different capacities. In 2004, I was a General
Assignment reporter for the IU newspaper, The Indiana Daily Student, and
the following year I composed a weekly opinion column for the IDS called
“RussellMania.” I’ve had poems published in both Fusion and Canvas,
two IU-based literary magazines, and I’m currently writing for a new college
magazine called Proof, based in Bloomington. I’m also now reviewing
movies for the website of WTHR Channel 13, and creating short bios of sports
teams and performers as part of an internship for Swickets.com.
The links to as much of my work as
I have links to provide appear here, and you can always
reach me at rpuntenn@indiana.edu,
until IU revokes my webmail account that is, which should not occur very soon
as far as I’ve been told.
Now there are, believe it or not,
other things I enjoy besides writing. So if by some chance you are still
reading the text before you, you can find out about all those other fascinating
things here.
A few other things I like:
Music
I’m fascinated by the infinite
amount of chord and note combinations that are possible, and I’m always messing
around on the keyboard like I think I’m Beethoven or something. Unfortunately,
I think 99% of the possible good songs have already been made, and I think the
vast majority of new music is just terrible. I’m always in search of good
songs from the past that I haven’t listened to enough to be sick of them yet,
and it’s really starting to be impossible to find them. I’m always dreading
the day when I realize I’ve found the last good song left, because I’m going
through songs much faster than good ones are being made to replace them. It’s
pretty much inevitable.
Besides the keyboard, I also play
the mbira nyunga nyunga, but then again, who doesn’t? Actually the mbira is an
African instrument used in Shona ceremonies, and I learned how to play it in a
class I took in order to obtain a required cultural studies credit. I signed
up for “African Music” class without any knowledge of what the class would
involve, only seeing that it would fulfill this requirement, then found out a
few months later that it was only going to cost $200 to import from Zimbabwe
the African instrument I’d be learning how to play. I needed the credit, and
thought it would be interesting, so now I’ve got my own mbira nyunga nyunga to
pluck whenever I feel the urge. Here’s what the thing looks like:
Video Games
I love video games but find new
systems to be impossibly and unnecessarily confusing. It used to be “A” jumps
and “B” shoots, now its “Counterclockwise analog stick rotation” slightly
shifts to the left and “R3” makes me throw the controller across the room. I’d
say I’m probably just being old fashioned, but it seems very weird to use that
phrase to describe video game technology, doesn’t it? The whole point of this
was actually just to brag about how good I am at Goldeneye 007 on Nintendo 64,
because I’m pretty much an unstoppable force at that game and just wanted you
to know.
Basketball
I fall down at least once every
time I play basketball, but it’s worth it. I can’t imagine an easier or more
fun way to exercise. Unfortunately, playing basketball is also a great way to
mingle with some of the most annoying people on the planet, who either joke
around and ruin the game when they’re losing to act like they were never really
trying to begin with or play with an infuriating over-the-top intensity like
it’s Game 7 of the NBA Finals when they’re winning. These guys are usually
easy to spot, because no matter what body type they are you’ll always find a
Nike swoosh on their shoes, their socks, their shorts, and their shirt, unless
it’s a jersey, which may have a swoosh as well but will always bear the name of
some former team they played on or camp they attended in order to make certain
you know they are really, really good at basketball. I recommend steering
clear of these guys at all costs because they’ve already planned how to prevent
you from gaining any satisfaction if you do happen to beat them, and there’s
nothing quite like running around the basket with another human being attached
to your side, smirking about the lucky shot he just hit and generously
transferring the sweat from his body to yours.
This guy knows what I’m talking
about:
“Just do it?” Just don’t ever do it again, how’s that
sound?
Food
I love eating, my second home is
Sam’s Club, and I don’t know how I’m able to eat as much as I can but sometimes
I think I fill every inch of my 175 pound frame. I often wonder how much I
could eat if I actually started training my stomach, but I’m perfectly happy
just taking on any reasonable challenge thrown my way. My record is 4-0 so far
in such challenges, and all my credentials can be found below. If I had to
choose a favorite food it would have to be pasta, just because I eat as much of
it as I can all the time and never get sick of it, but I’ll pretty much eat
anything except sauerkraut and cauliflower. My favorite dessert is Oreo cream
pie; I make it disappear faster than David Copperfield (who is, by the way,
light years ahead of the other magical David, Mr. Blaine, who is almost worse
at being a magician than he is at pretending to be a daredevil).
A light snack.
Movies & Television
Most movies suck, but that’s what
makes the good ones so good. Television is pretty much the same. Instead of
going into detail, my favorites of both are ranked below, but I explain that
movies are much more difficult to rank than TV shows I think, mainly because Seinfeld
is so obviously better than any other show in history. It truly baffles me to
think how anyone could dislike Seinfeld, and how little fun it must be
to feel that way.
Friends & Family
You can already hear the violins
warming up, can’t you? I just wanted to point out how lucky I feel to be
surrounded by so many unique and genuine personalities, because I know how many
ignorant, superficial, and pathetic people there are out there. I think for a
great deal of people in today’s society the most important aspect of their life
is very simple: their image. It’s refreshing to know I am not alone in my
disgust of them, and uplifting to sit around making fun of them with my
friends. I love all my friends and family very much, except for Matt Rozzoni,
who I hate with a passion. He’s this greasy Italian that always ruins
everything and who one time sincerely asked me if they sold stamps at the post
office. (See “The Post Office Sells Stamps?” for more info.)
That just about says it all, doesn’t it?
Lastly, I have a strange fascination
with ranking absolutely everything, just for my own peace of mind, so here are
a few of my current, though still subject to change, personal Top Five lists:
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Top Five Funniest TV Series
of All Time
5. The Simpsons
4. Family Guy
3. South Park
2. America’s Funniest Home
Videos
1. Seinfeld
I estimate I went over a
month and half without watching Seinfeld earlier this summer when we shut our
cable off, and I’m pretty confident that’s something that I’d never done
since becoming a fan of the show nor will I ever do again.
Top Five Seinfeld Episodes
5. The Fusilli Jerry
4. The Lip Reader
3. The Little Kicks
2. The Opposite
1. The
Bizarro Jerry
Kramer starts showing up in
suit and tie at a random office pretending he actually has a job there and
Jerry dates a beautiful friend of Elaine’s who has “man hands,” while George
uses a picture of the woman to sneak into elite model parties and Elaine
starts hanging out with her new boyfriend and his friends, who are the exact
opposite of Jerry, George, and Kramer. The best parts are watching Jerry and
Kramer act like members of a failing marriage and seeing Kramer get fired
from his pretend job, to which he replies: “I don’t even really work here!”
Top Five Least Talented
Celebrities
5. Wilmer Valderamma
4. Ashlee Simpson
3. Stephen A. Smith
2. Paris Hilton
1. Bam
Margera
“Viva La Bam” is at least
intended to be a reality show, in which a talentless, unjustifiably cocky
loser consistently annoys his parents. If it were real, however, then his
parents could kick him out at any second and the show would be over. If it’s
not real then, which it obviously isn’t, why the hell would anyone want to
watch a talentless, unjustifiably cocky loser pretend to annoy his
parents? I’m truly embarrassed that I even know the name Bam Margera.
Top Five Game Shows of All
Time
5. Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?
4. The Price is Right
3. Lingo
2. Family Feud
1. Super
Password
Super Password is a
combination of the funniest game show host I’ve ever seen, Bert Convy,
matched with the most addictive puzzles of any game show format. When he’s
not busy bragging about how he knows the answers to every puzzle, poor old
Bert often ruins an entire game by accidentally blurting out the answer on a
regular basis. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen his reactions after
doing so.
Top Five Songs of All Time
5. Freebird – Lynard Skynard
4. American Pie – Don McLean
3. Hotel California – The Eagles
2. Sweet Home Alabama – Lynard
Skynard
1. Take it
Easy – The Eagles
This is the list I change my
mind about every day, but I’m pretty satisfied with this version for the time
being so let’s go with it. More importantly, there’s never any question that
“Take it Easy” is the best song ever made, despite how cliché it sounds to
say that and despite how embarrassing it is to use the word “cliché.”
Top Five Unnecessary Things
People Waste Their Money On
5. Exercise Equipment
4. Throw Pillows
3. Unbearably Loud Car Speakers
2. High Class Vodka
1. Shoes
There really ought to be a
limit as to how many pairs of shoes one is allowed to purchase in our
society. I wonder how many less fortunate Africans are running around
barefoot right now without even thinking twice about it versus how many
spoiled brats are begging their parents for another pair to throw in the closet.
I’m proud to say I just bought my first new pair in almost two years, the
Shaq Platinum line, and my only other pair is a pair of Timberland’s I’ve had
for four years.
Top Five Side Dishes of All
Time
5. Pasta Salad
4. Cottage Cheese
3. French Fries
2. Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
1. Macaroni
& Cheese
Well I looked it up:
macaroni is believed to have been around since before the Roman Empire, a
very long time ago, and cheese of course has been here as long as we have.
Oddly enough, the person most people seem to credit with eating both at the
same time is Thomas Jefferson, who some claim served the dish at the White
House in 1802. It was also eaten regularly during the Civil War. How anyone
knows any of this and why it took so long to put the two together I do not
know, but I’m sure glad President Jefferson, or whoever it was, eventually
did.
Top Five Most Enjoyable
Professional Wrestlers of All Time
5. Andre the Giant
4. Hulk Hogan
3. Shawn Michaels
2. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
1. Ricky
“The Dragon” Steamboat
He breathes fire before every
match and he’ll hip toss you like there’s no tomorrow.
Top Five Most Unintentionally
Funny Actors
5. Dennis Quaid
4. Nicolas Cage
3. Chuck Norris
2. Sylvester Stallone
1. Steven
Seagal
Forget the horrible, bad ass
lines Steven Seagal so often delivers, the deadly fist chops he slays his
enemies with, and even forget the countless times he has defeated a bad guy
by simply moving to the side while they dive at him, completely oblivious to
the cabinet full of fine china conveniently placed behind him. All you need
to know to truly enjoy Steven Seagal’s work is two things, a riotous run
sequence in Hard to Kill where he flails his arms around like a girl,
and the following quote from his own website:
“"I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and
actor some day, rather than a sex symbol."
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Top Five Movies of All Time
5. The Big Lebowski
4. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
3. Dazed and Confused
2. Schindler’s List
1. Forrest
Gump
The only bad thing about
Forrest Gump is the now unfortunately unavoidable phrase, “Run Forrest, Run!”
Top Five Most Underrated
Movies
5. Stripes
4. King Ralph
3. Outside Providence
2. Freddy vs. Jason
1. What About Bob?
This is Bill Murray at his
absolute best, and anyone who hasn’t seen it ought to be ashamed.
Top Five Most Overrated
Movies
5. Jeepers Creepers
4. Scarface
3. Donnie Darko
2. Lost in Translation
1. Sideways
This sorry excuse for a movie
is a laundry list of wine ingredients and nothing more. I’d really like to
watch this movie with someone that likes it just to find out when the
laughing is supposed to actually occur, because I think I lost my sense of
humor somewhere in between the one millionth boring, repetitive wine
discussion and the full frontal male nudity. It was nominated for 5 Academy
Awards, including Best Picture and Best Director, and that is just
ridiculous. I would only recommend this movie to others as a cruel, sick
joke, and I’m confident that somewhere in Hell, some poor soul is being
forced to watch this film over and over again.
Top Five Funniest Recurring
Late Night Segments
5. Stupid Human Tricks (Late
Show with David Letterman)
4. Dr. Phil’s Words of Wisdom
(Late Show with David Letterman)
3. Great Moments in Presidential
Speeches (Late Show with David Letterman)
2. Unnecessary Censorship (Jimmy
Kimmel Live)
1. Headlines
(Tonight Show with Jay Leno)
This segment alone is all the
Tonight Show has to offer, but it usually brings me to tears it’s so funny.
Top Five Worst Comedians of
All Time
5. Dane Cook
4. Colin Quinn
3. John Leguizamo
2. Pauly Shore
1. Dat Phan
If you know who this twerp is
I feel very sorry for you.
Top Five Bashes in Recent
Memory
5. New Year’s Eve, December 2001
– Castleton, IN
4. Fourth of July 2004 (Fruity
Cocktail) – Noblesville, IN
3. Halloween 2004 – Bloomington, IN
2. Rob’s Lakehouse “Bouncer
Night,” Summer 2005 – Warsaw, IN
1. The Cabin
Trip, January 2003 – Brown County, IN
I’m not sure which is the
greater miracle: that we all made it out alive or that we weren’t charged a
single fine.
Top Five Most Satisfying Body
Adjustments
5. Aftershave
4. Neck Crack
3. Yawn & Stretch Combo
2. After Shower Q-Tip
1. Back
Crack
It doesn’t get much better
than a well-timed twist in the right direction. Sometimes I purposely delay
cracking my back even when I want to crack it more than anything in the
world, in hopes of saving up for a bigger, more satisfying crack later. The
only obstacle to the ultimate pop: finding the right chair.
Top Five Enormous Amounts of
Food I’ve Eaten in One Sitting
5. Endless Bowl of Pasta
4. 21 White Castles
3. 2 Family-Sized Boxes of
Macaroni & Cheese + a Rib Sandwich
2. 2 ½ Foot Long Meatball Sub Sandwich
1. Aver’s
Crazy 8 Deal
It’s Bloomington’s best deal
around and here’s the breakdown: a 12″ medium one topping pizza, 12
gigantic globs of dough they call “breadsticks” and 2 soft drinks. I went
with shrimp as my topping and went to town on this thing, wanting to just
give up several times it was so much food but egged on by my friends enough to
finish the whole deal. This is usually too much food for two people to
finish, and I really have no idea how it fit inside my stomach.
Top Five Smartest Historical
Figures of All Time
5. Socrates
4. Benjamin Franklin
3. William Shakespeare
2. Albert Einstein
1. Isaac
Newton
If time travel is ever
invented, it will only happen when Isaac Newton randomly shows up one day in
a machine he built a few hundred years ago that he never told anyone about.
Keep an eye out.
Top Five Least Enjoyable
Professional Wrestlers of All Time
5. Goldust
4. Doink the Clown
3. Kamala
2. Mabel
1. X-Pac
(aka 1-2-3 Kid)
The best sign ever made for a
pro wrestling event: “X-Pac = Piss Break”
Top Five Board Games of All
Time
5. Guess Who
4. Sorry!
3. Cranium
2. Scrabble
1. Monopoly
The great thing about
Monopoly is how absolutely everything can instantly change with the right
sequence of events, so that even a newcomer with no idea what they’re doing
can win by simply buying the properties they land on. The horrible thing
about Monopoly is the video game version made for Playstation 2, which is
just as much a game of Monopoly as it is a game of seeing how many times a
single person can press the button “X” over and over and over again.
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A few funny and useful websites:
A Good
Seinfeld Site
Headlines Archives
Tons of Funny Videos
This is a video of an RV salesman
attempting to film a commercial for his car lot and getting very frustrated
about it. Very funny but a fair warning, this has some very bad
language:
Winnebago
Man
The site of one of the funniest
comedians you’ll ever see (though I’ll warn you his material is very adult
themed):
Pablo Francisco
For anyone who somehow doesn’t
know this man, this is a bio of the greatest eater and most dominant athlete of
all time, who ate 53 ¼ hot dogs in 12 minutes earlier this summer (2006) to
break his own world record, and weighs only 144 pounds:
Takeru Kobayashi
If you still haven’t had enough, you
can find some of my favorite pictures here, or you can go
back to home or check out my work. Thanks
for visiting, and again you can reach me at rpuntenn@indiana.edu.
Back to Top
You’ve Got to See it To Believe It
 
Before you say anything, I promise neither of these were
intentional, whether you believe me or not. The left picture is the result of
my messy attempt to pick up a Sour Cream and Onion Dip lid and the right is of
my roommate’s breakfast – luckily I woke up and saw the smiley face before he
started frying.
You act like you’ve never been to a couch fire before?
What’s he so happy about?
 
The White Castle challenge was difficult, but I was
victorious nonetheless. The day after the White Castle challenge, well, that’s
a different story altogether.
My favorite place in this world, Rob’s lake house, in my
official Chapman Lake uniform.
 
Oval explosions are the new big thing apparently, as seen
downtown this past July 4th.
In the dunk tank at the 2005 Chapman Lake Chicken Cook-off,
where I served as both a chicken Judge and a reward for hitting the target.
 
Three signs we’ve each had one too many: the wearing and
passing of random hats, the infamous “everyone point in a different direction”
pose, and the psychedelic, blow-your-mind “you take a picture of me taking a
picture of you” trick.
And then there’s the always embarrassing group high five
pic, a classic example of what seemed like a good idea at the time.
 
Here we find the menu at Big Hootie’s First Annual Colts
Extravaganza and my infamous dry erase board maze that oh so many people got
lost in.
My incredibly cheap 2005 Halloween costume, which was a
step above 2004’s “Human Trash Can” garment, of which there are, sadly, no
known pictures.
SpongeRob KooshHead.
 
The hundreds upon hundreds of pictures lining my living
room walls right now, where what started out as simply “The Picture Wall”
quickly turned into a full fledged Kodak insane asylum.
 
This striking image is the result of living alone without
cable for over a month, and is not for the faint hearted. Yes, that movie
tower shows every movie I watched that month, by myself, bottom to top, start
to finish. On the bright side, however, the movies stacked surprisingly well,
don’t you think?
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